I Can't Let Him Win
by spasticandviolent
Summary: Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).
1. Chapter 1

**I Can't Let Him Win**

**A/N: **I seem to have some creativeness flowing recently. Anyways this is kind of lyrically inspired by a song with the same name by Maria Mena that I felt like had to be elaborated upon.

**Summary: **Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).

* * *

' _With him he brought the rain, we had to learn how to exchange, subtle looks and cues containing love. _

_You took time away from me, embarrassed by what I'd see, but I was more afraid of what I heard '_

"Amy…"

Karma's moving. _Moving_.

That's the information Amy was just handed less than five minutes ago. Karma and Liam are moving to California.

_Moving._

Amy can't remember it ever being this hard to breathe.

She remembers being nine on a trampoline with Karma; she remembers having the wind knocked out of her when they jumped out of sync and it feeling like her chest might collapse.

This feels just like that – but so much _worse._

She knows she's about to fall the fuck apart, but who really gives a fuck at this point? Karma's leaving. They've never lived more than ten minutes apart since they first met.

Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).

She knows its weird - but it's _fine_ she hasn't been pining over Karma for the last six years. There was Reagan, Liz, Lindsay and Jamie. And she'd loved them all in one way or another – at least with as much of her heart as she had left after Karma.

She really fucking hates herself occasionally.

And sure Amy had a few years there where she was bitter and resentful and couldn't even look at Liam (she swears everything's fine now). But they graduated five years ago and there's been Liam&amp;Karma (and Amy&amp;Karma) ever since.

And now it seems there will be Liam&amp;Karma off in sunny SoCal.

And Amy thinks that is just not fucking _okay_. She's not losing Karma to this asshole.

* * *

It was fine when Karma occupied herself with Liam for years when they lived in the same town but if they move to California Amy knows that's it. This internal battle she's been waging for the last six years will be done for good and facing that sounds horrific and she most likely wouldn't recover.

And if Karma goes with him she's shutting the door on Amy&amp;Karma with far too much finality. It brings Amy's feelings to the forefront of her heart and Amy's cursing the god damn day they kissed in that gym because nothing has _ever_ been the same.

It makes her hate Karma sometimes (she really doesn't though).

Karma's standing awkwardly in the center of the living room trying desperately to find some sort of eye contact like she's mid job interview.

Amy doesn't really have the words to make the sentences to express the hatred she's feeling for Liam motherfucking Booker for trying to take Karma.

"He's making you do this isn't he?"

"He's not making me do anything, Amy."

"Then what the _fuck_, Karma?! Did you expect this to be okay?"

Karma's looking a little bit lost like someone asked her to solve the quadratic equation in the next three minutes. Amy rolls her eyes and walks towards the kitchen because she might just beat Karma senseless if she doesn't get her head out of her _ass_ in the next three minutes.

She hears Karma's heels behind her but her steps are hesitant.

Amy _knows_ Liam has had a problem with them since high school. He's become less vocal about it from when they were kids but he's not fond of Amy&amp;Karma. He loves Karma and he's totally chill with Amy as an individual but Amy can see the veins in his forehead popping out like the Hulk when he comes home to find them at the kitchen table with an empty bottle of wine.

She's not stupid.

And neither is Liam. She's gotta hand it to him – it's a smart move on his part. She's just _not_ letting it happen.

"Ames, I have to. We've been together for like six years and he needs to go if he's going to have a career with his art. It might be good for my music too. It's right outside of LA, Liam thinks I might be able to make some connections."

"Connections my ass. He's just trying to take you away," it comes out without thought and she's regretting sounding like a petulant child. It's totally not gonna help her case.

Karma's smile at it might just make it a little bit worth it though.

"Nothing could take me away from you," Karma says in that voice that has _always_ made her melt.

"Eight billion miles is pretty 'away' from me, Karms."

Amy's right but it's a shit victory. Karma sighs and says nothing in response.

* * *

"I don't know what to do. What do I do?"

Karma left an hour ago. She's been whining to Reagan on the phone for the last forty five minutes. She still has no solution.

Maybe it's weird she and Reagan are still really close after their break up but Reagan was her first _real_ girlfriend and Amy's never really known how to let things go that matter to her.

Reagan's become a sort of support system to her these days. They meet at least once a month for lunch (drinks) and catch each other up on all the recent happenings (hook ups). Amy thinks they have this really _cool_ relationship that she never could've imagined for them at sixteen. She's so fucking thankful for Reagan.

Sure, Reagan thinks she's out of her mind for this shit with Karma – she always has – but she gives great advice and she keeps Amy's head on straight. (To be fair Amy knows she's out of her mind for still hooking up with her 'taken' best friend for the last six years, it's just something she chooses to ignore).

"I can't really tell you what to do, Shrimps. You know how I feel about this whole thing."

"Well, you never liked Karma-"

"For good reason. The second I met her instead of trying to make a good impression on her best friend's _girlfriend_ she jumped down my throat to try to prove you were hers… and you weren't even hers! Karma never gave me a reason to like her."

And Reagan's not wrong.

"She wasn't _that_ bad…"

Reagan chuckles over the phone line. Amy smiles. She has no idea how Reagan even puts up with the crap she feeds her.

"Shrimps, you have always been wrapped around her little finger. You know it, I know it, she knows it."

"I've had girlfriends," Amy knows this is a pointless defense but carries on anyway because who else is gonna defend Amy's dumbass behavior if it isn't Amy? "And I nevercheated."

"Yeah, and how long did any of those relationships last? You never cheated but when Karma showed her claws and got possessive you were out. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You've always asked me for honesty, babe."

"I get it, I'm pathetic."

Reagan's laughing affectionately and it catches on until they're both just being completely ridiculous laughing at each other's cackles.

"Amy, you know I love you but you've always been pathetic. And Karma's always been a _bitch_ so please either let her go or ask her to stay… just do something to end this god damn cycle you've been in for the last SIX years. It's time to move on with your life."

And Reagan's not wrong.

* * *

It started the weekend of graduation. Karma had been with Liam for about 6 months after they finally worked everything out. Liam was going… somewhere… Amy remembers not really fucking caring where he was because it meant she got Karma all to herself for the weekend.

Karma literally _sauntered_ into her room that night with a brown bag the shape of a bottle. Amy remembers her mouth going dry because when the fuck did Karma even learn to walk like that?

They hadn't hung out in a few weeks and Karma was so excited at the prospect of a girls weekend at Amy's empty house. Bruce was golfing while Lauren and Farrah went shopping in… Dallas? Maybe. Amy just knew they were a few hours away.

Amy also remembers thinking of the threesome and how that was the last time they'd really kissed and then intense confusion? Because what? She'd been getting over Karma - it'd been almost two years since they'd really been in each other's space like that.

And then at two thirty in the morning with two empty bottles of wine between them she found Karma in her space like that.

It's not like she's completely blameless though. She'd always been a touchy feely horny drunk. (Hence Liam, ugh).

"Where you going?" she'd tugged Karma back by her arm until they both stumbled over the edge of the bed and hit the floor. Karma was laughing so hard she snorted which made them both just laugh harder until they were mostly just a tangle of limbs. Amy couldn't tell where she ended and Karma began.

"I was TRYING to get water!" Karma was still laughing, her body literally touched every surface of Amy's and it'd been so damn long since Amy had human contact. She and Reagan had split almost a year before and Karma felt so fucking _nice_.

So, Amy did what any reasonable drunk person would do. She hugged her.

And after that two minute embrace Karma did what any illogical drunk person would do. She kissed her.

And it went on like that. They kissed until Amy's lips _hurt_. And she just about died when Karma moaned and pulled her closer. (She remembers she couldn't have possibly gotten any closer but Karma kept tugging on her anyway).

The next morning she said goodbye to Karma as she awkwardly scurried away and Amy waited until she saw Karma's car was at least at the stop sign at the corner before she pulled her phone out.

**Amy**: So… are we gonna talk about that?

**Karma**: Lol couldn't do this in person? Really?

**Amy**: Ugh, Karma…

**Karma**: You're a really good kisser. I don't think I ever told you before. And we were drunk. It was fun.

Amy distinctly remembers smiling like a fool.

**Amy**: So one time thing right?

**Karma:** I… could definitely do that again.

**Amy: **You know how I feel. I can't just fool around. Not with you.

**Karma: **Let's just play it by ear? I'm not trying to hurt you. We just got back to a good place. I'll see you tomorrow? I just need some time. Love you xoxo

**Amy: **Sure. Tomorrow. Love you too

The next day solved all of absolutely nothing.

They'd laid awkwardly on Amy's bed for a while in silence. The sun kept setting until the room was full of shadows Amy had hated as a kid. Bruce had the AC on what must've been 57 because they simultaneously reached for the heavy comforter and wiggled underneath.

She remembers Karma throwing the whole thing over both their heads. They were barely able to make out each other's silhouettes.

Amy knows now it was probably just Karma trying to hide all of her vulnerabilities and emotions, but 18-year-old Amy was naïve and confused by Karma's behavior (which seems to be the usual for them).

She could feel Karma breathing for a while. And then there were slow hesitant lips on hers. Karma's bad ass, no fear attitude really crumbled without the alcohol crutch.

But Amy kissed her back with no regrets even when she felt Karma's hand shaking.

"I know you're scared. It's okay that this feels good."

Karma had nodded and pulled her closer again.

They never really talked about it much after that. Karma came over everyday as usual - it just involved less talking, more groping.

She remembers Karma kneeling on her bed to even out their height difference; Karma pulling her desperately closer as she tried to leave for work in the afternoon. It fucking sucked to have to leave Karma on those perfect nights when she was just hers and Liam kind of vaguely existed somewhere in a far off land. Karma's face was always flushed, her lips always swollen when Amy finally left – she was two minutes late to work that whole summer.

It's kind of been that way ever since.

* * *

Amy _knows_ she means the world to Karma. The problem is she's never quite sure what space she occupies in Karma's life. Yeah, they're best friends. They're most definitely soul mates. They're certainly family – the sister neither of them ever got (Amy likes Lauren now but that's besides the point). Friends with benefits? They've never had sex so maybe the benefits are on the low end but getting to kiss Karma all the time is a benefit for sure.

So what is she then?

She's 100% fully aware of the fact that she is not, nor has she ever been, Karma's girlfriend.

Just not for lack of wanting to be.

Liam's stupid old car isn't there and thank God for that because they _need_ to talk. Amy walks into the Ashcroft residence like she always has and finds Karma aimlessly staring at the fridge. It feels a lot like being seventeen again.

"Karma, you can't go."

Karma whips around kind of wide eyed. The deer in headlights thing has got to stop, Amy thinks.

"I have to? I don't really have a reason not to. It'll be a good thing… right?"

Amy's at least mostly sure Karma shouldn't sound like she's trying to convince herself. That just doesn't seem to bode well for the future.

"What about me?"

Even if they were _just_ best friends Amy thinks she'd still be asking Karma that question. In what world is it okay for Karma to move across country and not even consider her?!

Karma's taken to going through the cabinets like she's ever going to find something worth snacking on. Amy can't even recall one time in the last eighteen years that she's voluntarily wanted to eat the food in Karma's house.

"Amy, we can Facetime all the time. I love you, we can make this work."

Karma's still moving boxes on top shelves of cabinets that have years worth of accumulated dust. Her speech sounds more like they're some long distance couple telling each other pleasantries before everything goes to hell.

It's complete bullshit.

"Tell me you love me, Karma."

"I just told you-"

"No, tell me you're _in _love with me."

Karma sort of freezes with her hand on a box of Cheez Its – and since when does the Molly buy those?

It's been six years and this is the first time Amy's ever found the balls to approach the elephant in the room. She guesses it's because Karma's leaving anyway so what does she really have to lose if this doesn't pan out?

She really fucking hopes Reagan's free tonight for drinks because Karma's entire _lack_ of reaction is much more disheartening than she'd expected.

"Now? We're doing this now, Amy? Not anywhere in the last six years could we have done this?"

Oh? Anger? Excellent. Amy can do anger. It's not the expected reaction but still, it's manageable.

"I didn't see you trying to talk about it. I mean you're the one with the boyfriend. You keep coming back to me. I must have something he doesn't."

"You've had girlfriends don't put this all on me!" Karma's pointing her finger as she makes her way across the kitchen.

Amy sorta short circuits for a second because angry Karma is really fucking hot and now's really not the time to turn into a teenage boy. Her body needs to tone it the fuck down.

"I wasn't cheating on them! Notice how we stopped hooking up whenever I had a girlfriend. You've been with Liam this ENTIRE time!"

"Because what else was I supposed to do?"

"Oh, uh, I don't know, Karma… be with me?!"

She pats herself on the back. Sarcasm game on point.

Karma's maybe ten steps away. Ten steps too far really. Amy really _really _just wants to kiss her and –

Nope. She needs to stop thinking like that. She needs to listen to Reagan and make a fucking decision for once.

"If you go with Liam that's it for us. I'm not doing long distance cheating."

They shouldn't have even done short distance cheating. The whole things kind of fucked.

Karma looks down. "You're my best friend, Amy."

Amy sighs.

"We're so much more than that, Karma. When are you gonna get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is?"

She shuts the door behind her when she goes.

* * *

I'm at least 98% sure there will be a second part to this.


	2. Chapter 2

**I Can't Let Him Win**

**A/N: **This is about to get real heavy and kind of spiraled out of control, turns out there will have to be a third part because there was no way to get them to where they needed to be here. Thank you so much for everyone who enjoyed this and wanted the second part you were the biggest factor to this continuing. I hope this lives up to any of its expectations.

**Summary: **Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).

* * *

' _Goodbye to you my friend, for some of this day will depend on how we treat each other in the morn. _

_We're complicated folks all stuck inside our hopes, afraid to be misunderstood and wrong '_

Amy's drunk and can't stop thinking about Karma. So the usual then. And Reagan doesn't even bother asking what happened so that's how she knows she's fucked.

"Two shots of tequila."

Reagan orders for them both. She doesn't bother asking Amy what she needs to get the Karma out of her system.

Reagan's always been a champ at being an adult, Amy thinks. She's the kind of person who makes decisions and just follows through with her choice; a _real_ adult. Amy doesn't really know too many of those and she certainly doesn't think she belongs in that category. She's just faking it til she– ugh, fucking Karma.

It always comes back to fucking _Karma_.

"Well Shrimps, bottoms up."

Amy legit doesn't have the slightest clue what they could be celebrating. She essentially just decimated an eighteen-year-old friendship in eighteen minutes.

So yeah, that probably does require tequila.

And so Amy goes along with the cheers-ing and the drinking because… well why not?

"Keep 'em comin!"

She's totally yelling at a level ten in this bar that's a level four at its craziest. It's completely inappropriate for the setting. The place is full of ninety year olds and a few kids who know they don't card. She could really give a fuck.

And Reagan's just eyeing her warily now like she can't fucking handle herself. She can totally handle herself, it's not like she's some newly minted twenty one year old. She's twenty three. And a half.

God.

Reagan's stupid anyway.

(She's really the _best_. Amy's just had far too much tequila).

* * *

It's two in the morning and Reagan's basically carrying her to her front door so tomorrow is going to feel like the gates of hell opened up and swallowed her whole.

Which is just so _awesome_. Why not just add insult to injury? Fuck it.

"Amy, what am I gonna do with you?"

Amy shrugs (she thinks) and plops herself onto the front stoop. She's really just done with the walking thing at this point. And Reagan was doing most of the work anyhow. They most definitely deserve this break; they worked damn hard to get to this step.

Tequila is _such_ a necessary evil, Amy decides.

Reagan's next to her now with a cigarette in her mouth – when did that happen? But she looks like the coolest person _ever_ casually blowing the smoke out. Sophisticated even. And yeah they've been over for years but Amy can totally still admit Reagan's hot; she's just always been one of those people that's kind of effortlessly cool. And yeah, Amy's always fucking loved that about her because it's just so opposite of Karma.

Fuck.

Amy thinking of Karma is a lot like Amy being able to breathe. And that's so fucking cheesy but it's legit. Breathing isn't something she even thinks about doing, her body just does it free of charge.

That's how thinking of Karma works.

It's fucking annoying.

"I think it's over."

"Then it's over. Nothing wrong with that."

There's a lot wrong with that. There's so much wrong with that. She's just too drunk to explain. Whatever. Sleep sounds nice.

"You gonna be okay here, babe? Or you need help inside?"

Sometimes, the way Reagan cares about her makes her want to cry. These thoughts are usually the product of too much alcohol but she thinks them anyway.

Maybe one day she'll have some control over her own brain. Maybe.

Probably not though.

"S'okay. Need the air."

Reagan laughs. Reagan's always fucking laughing at her.

"Do not sleep out here, Amy. Make sure you end up inside."

Amy gives the world's sloppiest thumbs up and Reagan's just smiling at her like she's absolutely certain Amy will sleep on this stoop with or without her warning.

Yeah, so she's slept on the steps a few times in the past. That doesn't mean she won't make it inside tonight. She's totally not _that_ drunk. She's been so much worse off than this; she's not a god damn amateur.

* * *

Amy wakes up on the steps as the sprinkler system kicks it into high gear. It's probably the worst morning in the history of mornings. It must be like fucking five o'clock and- _Jesus fuck_ that water is fucking cold.

(Farrah and Bruce installed a sprinkler system a few years back. It cost them more than what Amy was willing to spend on a _car_ but the Cooper grass is always the greenest on the block. For real, these are things Farrah and Bruce worry about).

There are such bigger things in the world to be concerned about. Amy just wants to shake Farrah sometimes and ask if she's ever had to worry about confessing her undying love to her best friend. She wants to ask Farrah if she's ever said 'I love you' to someone who had all the signs pointing to 'yes' only to have her say 'no.' She wants to ask if she's ever had to lay awake at night and picture the person she loves and know it's just never going to happen for them. Not the way she wants.

It's so stupid. Everything is stupid.

Stupid Karma and her stupid inability to see past Stupid Liam Booker.

Amy sighs, gathers her hangover, and starts to walk to the Dunkin Donuts a few blocks over. There's gotta be _something_ there to make the morning better.

At the very least anywhere that sells doughnuts can't make the day any worse, right?

It's a-fucking-mazing to Amy that she can manage to be somewhere at the ass crack of dawn and somehow run into the one person that could ruin a doughnut.

There he is. Stupid Liam Booker. (She's totally running with this new name. There's a definite ring to it).

The universe _must_ hate her.

Stupid just stares at her. Amy assumes she looks like shit (she slept on a step), but it's not like Liam doesn't know her.

More staring. So she gives it like ten seconds before she's back out the door. His face is annoying anyway and she can probably live without that doughnut.

Yeah she'll most likely just come back later. Either way.

"She told you didn't she?"

Amy turns around displeased with the fact that this is even going to become a conversation. She could definitely walk away but where's the fun in that? Liam should have his ass handed to him once in a while. It's become Amy's favorite pastime in recent years.

"That you're taking her away from all her family and friends and making her move to California so you can selfishly pursue your dreams? Yeah, she told me. She's thrilled."

Well, she might be exaggerating the truth a little bit. But Liam doesn't have to know that. Liam doesn't deserve to know that. Amy hopes he thinks Karma's miserable and unhappy. Amy wants to make him think twice about all this. Because Liam knows he's been the road block in their friendship since sophomore year and for once she wants to be the road block in theirs.

If that's selfish of her well then so be it. It's her god damn turn to be selfish here.

"Really? That's funny because she seemed pretty excited at the idea of finally being able to pursue her music career. I'm just trying to help her chase her dreams. Is that really so selfish of me, Amy?"

His douchey smirk is just getting under her skin. Liam hasn't really changed over the years – he's maybe only gotten worse.

Amy remembers Liam in high school. The righteous guy that had too many morals for her own taste really came into his own after they graduated. It was probably around the time that she and Karma started hooking up that Liam really reached prime douche.

If she didn't know better she'd think he knows_._

Amy lifts an eyebrow and gives him a blank stare. She just wanted a fucking doughnut and coffee this morning. She wasn't looking to deal with Stupid Liam and his stupid face and his supposed ownership of her best friend. Amy knows he's just looking to get a reaction out of her now and she's _really_ not about to give him the satisfaction.

"If you make her choose, Amy, I'm gonna win. Every time. I'm normal; it's easier to be with me. I'm the fantasy."

Well. Nevermind then. Amy might just give him the fucking reaction. But she swears she can justify it – guys like Liam need to have their ego cut down to size pretty regularly. If people like Amy didn't shut down his shit he'd think he was God's gift to the world (she knows he already does).

And if Liam's going to act like he knows the full story of Amy&amp;Karma then that's fine. She's going to confirm his worst fears.

"You're a place holder. You know what she feels for me, Liam. I've always been the threat, the weak link in your relationship."

"Maybe so. But who does she come home to?"

Amy walks away. Liam can go fuck himself. She didn't really bring her A game to the table. She's in a fucking Dunkin Donuts at five thirty in the morning in yesterday's clothes. She still smells like tequila and he's poking and prodding all the pieces of her heart marked _Karma _that are still sore from yesterday.

It's not a fair fight. But Liam never really played fair.

"And Amy?" She pauses for a second against her better judgment. "Thanks for everything. She never comes home and jumps me the way she does after a night with you. I appreciate you getting her started for me. It's my pleasure to finish her off."

Liam is smiling. And Amy is fucking boiling.

What a _bastard_.

She could really care less that he knows but she's never been okay with him treating Karma like some object. Karma's _so_ much more than that. It's even worse because she's fully aware that some part of Karma actually does love him. And he's a fucking dick.

She knows Liam only wanted Karma because she said she was a lesbian. And she knows some part of him is hanging onto Karma now just to rub it in her face. He knows he's never deserved Karma but he's dangling her in front of Amy like some sort of chew toy she'll never have. And that is just not okay.

So Amy whirls around and punches him hard before he really knows what's coming. And that punch – _that's_ what Stupid Liam Booker actually deserves.

* * *

They almost got caught once. A few years ago. It was mostly because they'd gotten comfortable enough to get sloppy. Or because they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Whatever the cause Amy knows it almost ruined them.

Amy remembers that they spent all day out shopping and laughing. It felt a lot like _before_ and those days were so far and few between that they were both giddy. The Ashcroft car wasn't in the driveway when they pulled up and Amy felt her entire brain went straight to the gutter.

Karma had been flirting with her all day and she looked _so_ pretty. It was driving Amy completely insane. And really every interaction with Karma drove her insane these days. The sexual frustration was making her want to jump out of her skin.

"Ames, you comin?"

She doesn't remember Karma getting out of the car but she does remember the way Karma smiled at her like maybe she knew exactly the effect she had on Amy. She can remember the way Karma winked as she closed the car door and sort of put on a show as she walked to the door.

Karma totally knew.

They barely got through the front door before Amy had her hands around Karma's waist. Karma had laughed and it had set all of Amy's nerve endings on fire.

That laugh _still_ gives her that exact same feeling.

"You want something, Amy?" Karma looked at her with the biggest shit eating grin she'd ever seen.

What a _tease_.

Amy hadn't granted her with a response. Instead she'd kissed Karma senseless as they'd knocked the door closed behind them. There had been no time to get to Karma's room (that was way too far) so Amy just pinned her up against the door for some leverage. It had been a bold move on her part. But she remembers Karma totally fucking loving it if her moans were anything to go by.

"Jesus, Amy."

"Okay?"

"Mm, god yes."

And Amy's heart had kind of fluttered all over her rib cage. No one had ever felt quite like that – she remembers thinking her heart might just explode if they kept up like this.

Karma's hands were wrapped tightly around the back of her neck barely giving her any room to breathe. Who needed to breathe anyway? If it's breathing or Karma – she's ashamed to say that most days the answer might be Karma.

Amy specifically remembers her hands wandering a little further than they'd ever been before. Karma's skin was so _soft_ and warm. It's everything Amy ever imagined it to be. It was the first time she'd ever really had the balls to touch Karma exactly the way she wanted.

And Karma was shameless. She was just egging Amy on with the arching of her back and the death grip she had on her. Amy remembers giving it a good five seconds before she had Karma's shirt up over her head.

Then Zen had walked through the kitchen and ruined everything – in retrospect Amy knows he was completely baked and on a direct mission to the refrigerator. Noticing them wasn't really his priority. But twenty-year-old Amy and Karma hadn't thought quite so rationally.

Karma took off up the stairs in a state of disarray and Amy kind of stood there all turned on and awkward. Zen finally saw her a few minutes later.

"Sup, Amy?" and he had carried on with his kale and peanut butter sandwich (yeah, she'll never forget that nastiness). They were safe. But Karma was going to need time to get it the fuck together and convince herself Amy didn't really do anything for her sexually.

So Amy left and they met for lunch the next day and the world kept turning.

(It took two and a half weeks and a bottle of wine after an Ashcroft family gathering before Karma kissed her again).

* * *

The knock on the door isn't anything unexpected. Amy's been waiting on it for the last few hours. Karma's finally come to rag on her for punching her boyfriend. Yay.

There was a time when Karma would've most definitely high fived her for being chivalrous and defending her honor. Instead Karma's outside the door yelling for her to answer. Like she's never in her life just waltzed through the Cooper/Raudenfeld front door.

Amy takes her time answering – this isn't gonna be pleasant.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, I know you don't like Liam. But you broke his nose!"

Score. Amy legitmately almost does a victory lap around the house. It takes a massive amount of self control to not fist pump at this kind of news.

"He was talking shit, Karma. It was his own fault."

Karma scoffs and pushes past her. Amy follows her back to the living room. Oh. Karma seems to have remembered she's been in this house before.

"That doesn't give you the right to hurt him! You don't have to take it out on everyone else just because we're leaving."

"Yeah, because that's exactly what I'm doing. You figured me out." Amy's tone is all sarcasm and defense. Karma looks annoyed. Probably because they both know Karma's completely right.

"Ames, c'mon don't do this. Don't make me the bad guy for the rest of my time here."

Amy moves to look out the window. She wishes they could go back to being little. The amount of distance between them - physically and metaphorically - is fucking suffocating.

"Are we really just going to ignore what happened the other day?"

"Amy, I have to go. He needs this. He's my boyfriend."

"So I've been told. Don't worry he made sure I knew that this morning." Karma should probably know what a prick Liam is behind closed doors. He's pretty much the worst.

"I don't know exactly what happened this morning," Karma says. "I actually don't really want to know because typically anything that involves the two of you doesn't work out so well for me."

Amy winces.

* * *

Karma sits in _her_ spot on the couch. It's the spot she always claims for Netflix marathons on the weekends. Lauren's basically even conceded to it belonging to Karma so it's a big deal. Amy gingerly sits next to her; she's scared to even breathe now that Karma's brought up the unspeakable incident.

They don't talk about how they can't define what the fuck is going on with their relationship. They for sure don't talk about all the making out. They rarely speak of any of Amy's girlfriends and Reagan's been off the conversation table for a while now for obvious reasons. But Liam and Amy – that's taboo.

That's a sore spot they've just never been able to handle so they glossed it over and ignored its existence. They would've never been able to function if they had to really acknowledge Liam taking both of their virginities. It's all weird.

They're just kind of looking at each other like maybe if they pretend none of this is happening it actually won't. Amy is painfully aware the world doesn't work like that even if they spent six years pretending it did.

"Amy?"

"Yeah, Karma?"

"We have to talk don't we?"

Just because they're owning up to the cracks in their friendship and the holes in their relationship doesn't mean Amy's not petrified that this might be the end for them.

"You're lying to yourself Karma," Amy says. "And to me."

Karma will just _not _look at her. And Amy really can't comprehend what it is about loving her that's so fucking _hard_.

"Please look at me," she reaches out for Karma's hand but Karma pulls away like she's been burned.

The thing is, up until now, Karma's actions have constantly betrayed her words. This is how Amy can tell Karma loves her. Even if Karma denies it until her last breath Amy has concrete evidence. She knows she's not crazy. She has never imagined Karma's taste on her tongue. She couldn't make up the sounds Karma makes when something feels particularly good (Amy's certain she couldn't imagine something that sounds so perfect anyway). She couldn't make up Karma's uninhibited enthusiasm for kissing her. That's all Karma and that's all 100% _real_.

"Fine then. I'll talk. This is killing me Karma. And to be honest – this whole thing has been killing me since it started. Every time I have to picture him touching you or his hands where mine _just_ were it feels like a million knives in my chest. The worst part is knowing you _actually_ do feel something for him. It makes me sick-"

"Like the girls didn't hurt me too? Amy, I couldn't sleep when I knew you were with someone… I would lay awake for hours wondering if you liked kissing them as much as you like kissing me." This admission, Amy knows, is fucking _huge._ She's afraid to move. "I cried myself to sleep the night you first slept with Liz."

Karma's still looking down at the fibers of the couch like this conversation isn't about to change absolutely _everything_.

"That was after?"

"That was after us. After you flipped my whole world upside down."

"You kissed me. And if you don't feel even the littlest bit of something for me why were you crying over my girlfriends?"

"I was drunk." Karma legit ignores the entire question.

Amy sighs.

"Don't bullshit me, Karma. It's been six years. You _have_ to feel something or you wouldn't keep cheating on Liam. You would not be upset about me being with someone else. Why put your entire relationship at risk to kiss me a few times a week? Oh, and ps you kissed me the next day one hundred percent sober too. I didn't ask for any of this. I was perfectly fine trying to move on and you just wouldn't let me go. You know I'd probably jump in front of a god damn bus if you asked nicely enough. It's pathetic."

"I would never ask you to do that."

"No because then who would you hook up with on the side, right?"

Karma's head shoots up like she can't fucking believe that just happened. Honestly… neither can Amy.

"Low blow, Amy. We've been best friends since we were five years old you fucking know you mean more to me than a cheap hook up on the weekends Liam's busy."

"No," Amy says, "I don't know, Karma, because for the last six years it's been kind of exactly that."

"That's such bullshit. That's not all we do together. I have Liam if _all_ I wanted was someone to kiss."

"Exactly."

Amy knows she basically just backed Karma into a corner to prove her point. She almost feels bad because Karma looks like her entire world is collapsing in on her and _fuck_ Amy knows that feeling so well. Her moment was in the middle of a gym full of people she hated and topped off with confetti.

"No," Karma says. Amy's fluent in reading Karma's body language and she can actually see the defenses rising. Yeah, things are about to go south very quickly but she knows she can't help any of what comes next.

"Then why do you keep coming back?" Karma shakes her head as if denying it might mean it isn't true.

Amy knows what has to happen and the thought is making her stomach turn with guilt. She never thought she'd see the day when she might need to take a page out of Liam's book. But this is going to have to blow up in their faces first. It's going to have to literally go up in flames if she has any shot at getting through to Karma.

It doesn't make any of it any easier.

"You've never wanted Liam, Karma. You like the idea of Liam. You like the cute successful artsy boyfriend. You know what the problem is? He's never turned you on. He's never actually made you feel anything except maybe some vague excitement at the thought that he chose you. And so you come running to me because that spark? That one they talk about in those stupid movies you love – you feel that with me. I can feel you shaking when you kiss me. And if I ever showed you what it feels like to really be with someone you're _actually_ attracted to you'd never be able to go back to Liam. It would literally change everything and you know it. And that's why you stop me everytime we get close. If we ever had sex you'd have to actually fucking admit to yourself that I'm the _only_ person that's ever made it difficult for you to say stop."

"Oh fuck you, Amy," Karma's voice is laced with a venom Amy's _never_ had directed at her.

"No, fuck you, Karma. Fuck you for this whole stupid thing and faking it when we were sixteen. Fuck you for kissing me and messing me up all over again. Fuck you for dragging this along for the last six years because your fucking glorious boyfriend Liam Booker doesn't really do it for you. I _know_ you feel something for me. You wouldn't be trying so god damn hard to run from it if you didn't. You feel too much for me and that scares the shit out of you. Always has. Karma Ashcroft: the fucking queen of denial."

"I'm not running scared. He's my boyfriend. You're not."

So, Karma's still defending Liam. Amy's not surprised but she glances at the framed picture of them on the end table when she finally concedes defeat.

"Yeah, and you've made that perfectly clear. I've been too pathetic to tell you to back off and let me have my own life because I knew it'd mean losing you. But hey you seem to have no problem running off to California with him so maybe you should go. Why don't you just marry the son of a bitch while you're at it? And by the way, I _don't_ want an invite to that shitshow."

Karma's crying now. Amy _wants_ to not care. But that's really just not in her nature when it comes to Karma. Everything is all fucked.

It's been ten minutes. Karma's hugging a pillow that's catching the intermittent tears. And her body language is literally _screaming_ 'DO NOT TOUCH ME' – Amy knows anything she does at this point would not be well received.


	3. Chapter 3

**I Can't Let Him Win**

**Chapter Three**

**A/N: **Thank you all so much for liking this as much as you do. It's been fun to write and dig into these characters. THIS chapter is a monster. I hope you all like it.

**Summary: **Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).

* * *

' _Your skin is pale your heart won out by one too many tries. _

_It's a complicated thing I shouldn't stick my nose out in. But I'm your friend… and I can't let him win. '_

Karma _knows_ Amy is fucking devastated. She knows when she walked out that front door she broke her best friend's heart for the millionth time. She feels like shit about it for sure. Karma thinks she's basically the fucking worst sometimes – and maybe sometimes she thinks that's why she might just belong with Liam.

And to top it all off, her parents and Zen apparently went out to dinner and didn't invite her. Zen's always been rude like that but it doesn't make Karma any less upset about it. She's having the worst night of her life and her family can't fucking take one night to keep her company. Yeah, it's not like they knew she was having a shit night but Karma thinks they should've at least _asked _her about dinner before just assuming she'd be with Liam and excluding her.

Molly and Lucas aren't fond of Liam. They mostly just tolerate him because Karma begged them to. And Karma knows her parents know he's not the love of her life or anything, but they stopped trying to force Amy on her a few years ago after she had an epic freak out about the whole thing. She got sick of having to convince them she was straight and loved her boyfriend.

(This probably should've been her first red flag that maybe she's not _entirely_ as straight as she thinks… okay… maybe it wasn't the _first_ red flag. Kissing Amy was mostly a really good indicator if she's being honest with herself – which she's really working on. She swears).

Sure, Karma's aware they still prefer Amy anyway. She can't really help that part of it. The thing is she might just prefer Amy too.

She can't fucking help that either.

* * *

"Get your fucking head out of your ass, Ashcroft!"

Karma can hear Reagan stomping through her house from the side door. Great. Reagan's footsteps just sound like they mean business and Karma really, _really_ isn't in the mood for a beat down from Amy's pseudo best friend/ex-girlfriend, or whatever the fuck call themselves these days. In any case, Karma + Reagan has never really been a match made in heaven. There's a mutual dislike there that's been standing for almost a decade. Karma's pretty freaking distraught that it's going to be Reagan she has to deal with in her darkest moments.

Karma waits.

"In here, Reagan."

"Ya know, we might not get along. We probably never will. I'm pretty sure neither of us are crying over that. But I've legit been tolerating you all these years because Amy fucking loves you. I have _no_ idea why but we both know she does. And you're breaking her heart and I'm not cool with that, Karma. This is where I step in and it is taking everything I have to not kick your ass right now because she is sitting at home asking me what it is about her that's hard to love –"

"She's what?"

Okay, Karma didn't really factor Amy's self esteem into the plans. It hadn't even occurred to her that Amy might start to question herself. The problem in this whole messed up situation has always been Karma. Amy would've been with her years ago; Karma knows Amy would've been with her in high school if Karma had been ready.

"She's asking me what it is about her-"

"No, I heard you. Just… why? She knows it's me," Karma says, "you both know it's me."

"You don't have to tell me what I know. I _know_ it's not Amy. I've been trying to talk her out of this shit with you for years. Just so you know. I was never on board with this because I know your type. Amy's the experiment, the phase. Yeah, she feels good but Liam's always gonna be the destination for you. Amy's strong and you -" Reagan really just might as well be foaming at the mouth at this point, Karma thinks "you're weak, Karma. You're never going to be strong enough to be with her and I knew that. Amy's just so wrapped up in all your shit she can't see what's going on right in front of her."

Karma wants to deny all of it. She does. But Reagan's not wrong. She is weak – if she were strong wouldn't she be able to just be who she wants to be? Wouldn't she be able to leave Liam and just be with who makes her happiest?

"I really don't want her to feel like it's her."

And she really doesn't. It physically pains Karma to imagine Amy doubting her self worth.

"Don't you worry, I'll make sure to clean up the mess _you_ made. But I want you think long and hard about what you feel for Amy. If you let her go I swear to you it'll be the last time. I won't let you near her, Karma. You two are fucking toxic. This whole thing is so unhealthy… I don't know how either of you think any of it's okay. You're both fucking insane."

Karma's crying. Again. She's starting to think the tears just never stop, especially not when it comes to Amy. And Reagan looks like she feels bad for a second as she watches Karma just fall apart in front of her.

"Ugh, fuck. No. I can't do crying. Can you get it together?"

Karma's breathing is all over the place. Getting it together seems like something that's not going to be happening for her anytime soon.

Her mind is fucking blown when Reagan sits in the chair to right of the couch and lays a hand on hers.

"I'm weak, right?" Karma's barely stringing words together but Reagan seems to be picking up on it anyway. "I can't really get it together. I know I hurt her. I didn't mean it."

"You never _mean_ for any of it. I could forgive you for that when you were sixteen and confused and trying to figure out if you had any claim on her. You're twenty three now and there's only so many times you can say you're sorry before it loses its effect."

Reagan's putting down some powerful knowledge. In some weird twisted way Karma's thankful that Amy has Reagan because she knows she's a big part of what's kept Amy sane. Karma's well aware she's been making Amy crazy since this started. So, even though Karma's been unreasonably jealous of Reagan, in the back of her mind she loves her just a little bit for supporting Amy through all of the shit they've been through.

"Karma…" Reagan sounds like she doesn't even want to ask so Karma looks up, meets her eyes and nods. "Are you in love with Amy?"

This question. This fucking question. It's baffling that Reagan is going to be who Karma has to talk to about all this. Actually it seems really ass backwards to be honest. But who else even is there for Karma? Reagan knows their story. Amy has obviously kept her in the loop. Reagan is going to be the next best thing since she clearly can't go to Amy.

So, she wipes the mascara away from under her eyes and takes a deep breath as a few more tears roll down her face.

Here goes nothing.

"Of course I'm in love with Amy," she puts her head in her hands. Karma's never said that out loud before.

* * *

Frankly Karma _likes_ the idea that one day she would be able to live a "normal" life with Liam. Karma likes the idea of a two-story house, two-car garage, and 2.5 kids at home with a dog. Whether or not she's in love with Liam isn't really a huge deal - there's no Disney fairytale with two princesses falling in love. And while she supports Amy entirely she's never been quite sure she could let go of the dream of being the "normal" one. It's hard to picture losing that. It might be harder to picture living the rest of her life as a lie while she sneaks quick kisses from Amy in bathrooms at parties.

She knows their town is unusual and probably the only place in the freaking country where she'll be accepted so easily and the rest of the world might make it really hard. Karma sees the looks Amy gets sometimes when they've been in Dallas or Houston. She doesn't know if she's strong enough for _those_ looks. Does she think it's right that being a lesbian is something she has to "come out" and define herself as? No. Does she think it's right that being with Liam doesn't require her to make an announcement but to be with Amy would be a huge life-changing event? No. And she has to wonder why do these two things have to be so different? In this day and age being with Liam or Amy should be the exact same thing – no one should think twice about it. Karma thinks it's a shame that _they_ still do.

Sure, her parents would accept her – but Amy's might not. And what about the rest of her family? Or the rest of Amy's? What about her other friends she's made over the years? It's awful because she knows she shouldn't care so much about these irrelevant people but to come out and just be with Amy won't be a one-time thing. It's going to be constant. It's never going to stop. She's never going to not want to jump to her own defense when/if she introduces Amy as her girlfriend.

It _should_ be easy though if she forgets all the random people she worries about. Karma's parents will probably have a fucking obnoxious celebration if she tells them she's with Amy. Zen won't really care but whatever. Shane will support them. Lauren might just say congrats. Liam will hate her. And that's hard – Liam's not the best but he's been in Karma's life for the last eight years. He's been a sort of best friend. He's been a significant presence in her life and she can't honestly say it won't hurt to lose him.

Being with Liam is _easy_. Maybe Amy was right about how Karma feels about Liam – she can tone down her own ego enough to admit that much. It's not hard to acknowledge that Liam doesn't do much for her sexually. She remembers nights he's spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to get her worked up. She remembers wanting to cry on a few different occasions because she just wasn't feeling any of what she so desperately wanted to. She remembers wanting to cry all over again the night she realized Amy got her there by just leaning into her personal space.

Amy literally makes her entire body tingle with anticipation. She doesn't even _have_ to touch Karma to get a reaction.

Karma knows she's a fucking awful person when there have been so many nights she's left Amy's and displaced all of those feelings onto Liam. She spent quite a few years pretending that wasn't exactly what she was doing but lying to herself anymore about that is just ridiculous. And Liam probably knows. How could he not? She'd come home from nights with Amy just a little bit tipsy and more ready to let him have her than she ever was any other night. She maybe thought it didn't matter who started the feelings – if Liam was the one getting her across the finish line did it really matter that Amy ran the first four laps with her?

Yeah, it really does.

Karma doesn't really know why she never let Amy have her. She used to think the cheating wasn't really as big of a deal if she wasn't having sex with Amy. It turns out an emotional affair is still cheating just as much as if they'd been having sex.

She thinks now – after everything's said and done – that Amy probably had the right idea too. Karma has always let fear get the best of her and she's been scared of all of the emotions Amy makes her feel. Sex with Amy might just send her right over the edge. She literally might completely lose her shit if it's Amy that gets her there. She might have to really acknowledge how much she doesn't feel with Liam and how hard it is to get herself turned on at all when Liam is the one planting kisses all over her body.

Fuck. She's so lost. And her mind is just filled with images of things she shouldn't be thinking; things that do not help her case for staying with Liam at all.

Why is it so hard to admit what she feels for Amy? Why has she spent six years denying every little feeling that's snuck up on her?

Karma hates herself for keeping Amy hanging on – but to let Amy go and see her with anyone else is _so _hard. And Karma's so selfish sometimes. Yeah, surprise – she has flaws. Flaws she hates about herself. Karma will be the first to let you know she's her own worst critic and that selfishness – the one that causes her to not be able to let Amy go while she goes back to Liam every night – she fucking despises that about herself because who the fuck does that? And to their best friend?

Amy's not perfect but Amy _deserves_ so much fucking better than what Karma's been giving her because Karma has been _anything_ but fair in this.

It's coming down to letting Amy go or just fucking admitting to herself and everyone else that not being with Amy just might not be an option anymore.

* * *

Karma and Reagan have been sitting in an amicable silence for a while now. They've come to a temporary truce while Karma goes through her life crisis. Karma gets it now. She understands why Amy loves Reagan so much. Reagan's been letting her cry and made her a cup of tea. It turns out she's a lot more nurturing than Karma would've ever thought.

She's thinking about asking Amy if they can share her as a mutual BFF. It's probably too soon for that.

What the fuck is she even gonna do about Amy?

"So, now what?" It's Reagan who finally breaks their silence. The room is pretty dark now and neither of them has bothered to look for a light. Karma can only barely see her. It somehow makes it easier.

"I'm scared. Like terrified, really."

"You know Amy loves you."

"It's not that. God, it's never been that. It's… everything _else_ that comes with Amy loving me."

"Karma, listen. I get it," Reagan looks her right in the eyes and Karma feels a light squeeze on her knee. "I get what you're scared of and I get why you've been trying so hard to avoid dealing with it. I do. It doesn't mean I've liked all your decisions over the years but I knew what you were doing. You being scared is _normal_ but Amy…" Reagan exhales like it's kind of hurting her to say what comes next, "Amy's so worth the risk."

For a split second Karma sees a world of hurt in Reagan's eyes that makes her heart ache. Reagan looks down and folds her arms across herself. Karma will let that one go and Reagan sort of nods in silent thanks. There will probably always be a little bit of hurt there for how things went down with the three of them all those years ago. And Karma's not totally stupid. She knows it probably still fucking sucks that Karma's done nothing but treat Amy like some side piece and she's still always going to be Amy's number one choice.

Karma even wishes Amy was a little bit smarter than that. But since she's just coming to terms with what her feelings for Amy might be she has to be thankful that Amy's still here.

And she needs to talk to Liam. _Fuck._

* * *

The amounts of memories they have from the past six years together are countless. Karma can't even begin to estimate the amount of times she's kissed Amy over the years.

She remembers being at a house party with Shane while they were in college and Amy was between girlfriends. The crowd had been nothing like she or Amy had ever seen (they'd both chosen smaller colleges). And she remembers Amy being nothing but perfect the whole night. Amy constantly had her hand on the small of Karma's back to guide her through the crowd. Karma remembers wanting to kiss Amy so much it was making her dizzy.

"I'm gonna go over there!" Shane was pointing to a bearded man with pants way too tight for his figure. Typical. Karma and Amy had waved him off as they went to get a drink.

Amy had pulled two red cups out for them and within two minutes managed to spill beer all over the table. Karma couldn't stop laughing at her; age certainly hadn't made Amy any more graceful.

Karma remembers the grin Amy threw her way as she chucked the cups and grabbed for her arm to make for a quick get away. They were still laughing as they passed by the bathroom.

Karma remembers feeling especially daring that night.

She basically flung Amy through the door and for a second she could tell Amy thought she was out of her mind.

"If you needed to pee that bad you could've just-"

Karma hadn't really cared to let her finish that sentence. It was the first time she'd ever initiated kissing Amy – it was the first time she'd ever really had the upper hand. She remembers feeling Amy smile into the kiss as she finally caught on.

Making Amy happy has always been the goal. It may not have always come across that way and Karma knows sometimes things get lost in translation. And sometimes all she manages to do is make Amy miserable. But she's always loved Amy (even before she knew she was in love with Amy) and that love has always made her try to do the right thing by her best friend.

Amy was enthusiastic that night kissing her; Karma knew taking that initiative allowed her to give something back to Amy.

"Whoa."

Karma didn't answer. Yeah, she could've. She could've said her part. Or… she could just kiss Amy again until she was breathless and grabbing Karma's hips for support to keep standing.

So yeah, Karma kissed Amy again and smiled when she felt Amy wrap her arms around her.

* * *

"Liam, I can't go."

Karma looks at Liam - he should be reacting in some way. He's not. That unnerves her. Liam just stands there with a huge bandage over his nose and coldness in his eyes.

"This is about Amy, isn't it?"

"I-"

"Don't lie. I've been playing second string to her for years now. At least if you're gonna dump me after your girlfriend just broke my nose have the decency to be honest about it, Karma."

Karma glances at the floor. "It's about Amy."

Liam laughs. Karma looks back up because what?

"I knew. I've known for the last six fucking years what's been going on behind my back. I am not the bad guy here. You are."

Karma thinks that's probably true. She doesn't know though. Yeah, she's been the one cheating all these years but Liam's been hanging onto her for a lot of other reasons besides love. She's not even entirely sure if Liam was ever in love with her. That point is still foggy if she goes back through their whole convoluted history. She might find that love is severely lacking in a lot of it.

His nose looks hurtful and the black eyes that are forming kind of make her want to smile. She can't picture Amy doing that. He must've really provoked her.

"What did you say to her?"

"Who?"

"Amy. You must've been a real dick for her to take it out on you like that."

Liam grimaces like he's maybe not proud of his behavior. That's new, Karma thinks. He looks contemplative as he prepares to speak again.

"I… maybe implied… that I knew what was going on with you guys and thanked her for, uh, turning you on for – when you came home?"

He stumbles through most of his sentence. Karma's eyebrows fly up. Liam was probably speaking out of hurt. He Amy was always going to win. But it definitely didn't give him the right to hit Amy where he knew it would kill her.

"You didn't! You know you deserved that right?"

Liam grumbles as he falls back on Karma's couch. "Yeah, I was a dick."

"You're a dick to Amy a lot. This wasn't all her fault. It was pretty mutual."

"I guess I was trying to win… but it's – it's always been Amy, right? I mean I knew… I just kept fighting for you anyway. I've been rubbing you in her face for years."

"No wonder she's never liked you," Karma says. A lot of things are suddenly making a lot more sense these days.

"I'm sure she has more reasons than that to not like me. But – that's probably a pretty big one," Liam admits. "Gotta hand it to her she has a hell of a right hook."

Karma laughs.

There are definitely reasons it hasn't been hard to stay with Liam all these years. She knows Amy hates him but Liam has always been a little bit different with her. Liam has always been just a little bit softer with Karma. He might have never been in love with her, but Karma knows he does care about her. She can remember how gently he spoke the truth after she was a complete dick at that group dinner sophomore year. She's mostly sure if she hadn't been so oblivious she would've seen the truth that night. Instead it took her eight more years to get here.

"Amy's kind of a bad ass." Karma can't even help the smile that comes with saying that. Liam waves her over to sit beside him.

"I don't think… I'm not gonna be able to talk you for a while after this; but it's good – you know that you'll be happy and all. I wasn't trying to take you away to make you miserable. It was just the only way I thought maybe you'd be able to actually be with me and not constantly looking over your shoulder for her."

"I should've been able to be happy with you."

"Yeah, maybe but… Karma, you've been in love with her for years now."

"Then why didn't I see it?"

It certainly fucking seems like the whole world knew before she did. She doesn't like to think she's _that_ oblivious but it definitely seems that way when Liam Booker is telling her what she should've known. Karma can admit she's thought about it over the years – what it'd be like to be with Amy in a real way. She's always wondered if it would ruin them if they had to actually be something outside of the little bubble they created. And then what if they broke up and she lost Amy?

And then she'd shove it all away into the neat little box in the back of her brain that allowed her to compartmentalize the whole thing. Denial – for Karma – is a very powerful tool and she's been running with it for over six years.

Liam shrugs. "You didn't want to see it. At least for the first few years."

That's probably true. Life advice with Liam. Jesus. What is her life coming to? How are Liam and Reagan the ones guiding her through this? Nothing about this is normal.

Nothing about what she feels for Amy is _normal_. It's so much more.

* * *

"Amy!"

Karma feels frantic – and like she might vomit a little bit. Her heart is probably beating completely out of rhythm. This should be easier to say but she's panicked that she's waited way too long to figure her shit out and that Amy might just hate her now for being so ignorant about her own fucking emotions.

"Karma?" Amy is fiddling around in the kitchen. Her eyes look bloodshot and she looks like she's spent the better part of the day crying. Well, that just makes Karma feel shittier than she already did. It also feels kind of like a repeat of yesterday – they're just in Amy's kitchen now instead.

"Where's your mom and Bruce?"

"Out. Somewhere. The fuck knows? They could be at dinner… they could be on a cruise. They're never here anyways now that Lauren's gone and I'm an 'adult' … you know how they are."

Amy won't really look at Karma. Sure, she acknowledged her when she came in but she's still pulling chicken out of the refrigerator and debating which utensils she needs for whatever in the world she's trying to make. Since when did Amy even learn to cook _real_ things?

Karma thinks Amy has no actual idea what she's doing she just doesn't want to face whatever's going on with them. Karma thinks Amy's sure she's here to end things for good with them.

"Ames…" Amy moves to the sink to rinse off the chicken without saying a word. This is bordering on ridiculous, Karma decides.

"Amy, I'm not moving. I'm not going to California with Liam."

Amy drops _all_ of the chicken in the sink and the knife goes flying off the counter to the floor – it just barely misses Amy's foot. They both jump at the close call.

"Because you're getting married here instead and you just found the house of your dreams to raise your two kids in?"

Amy's feeling snarky. Fine. Karma's sure she earned that one. Amy lashes out when she's feeling hurt or vulnerable. Karma _knows_ Amy so, yeah, she knew Amy wasn't going to make this easy for her. But it's hard enough as it is and she was still hoping Amy would cut her some slack. Apparently that's not how this is going to play out.

"No, because I just broke up with him," Karma watches closely for any subtle reaction Amy might have, "and I know what he said to you this morning and I am so sorry. He shouldn't have done that to you. That wasn't fair."

"Not much in my life has been fair, Karma," Amy is mumbling her words as she stays hunched over the sink. The little tremor in her shoulders is the only indication Karma has that Amy's about to cry.

They feel worlds apart while they stand in the same kitchen and the space between them is making it seem like this conversation isn't going to go anywhere good. Maybe Amy has the wrong idea about what's going on here so Karma comes up next to her. They both look out the window over the sink. The yard is dark so Karma can't fathom what it is that they're supposed to be looking at for distraction from this exchange but she'll play along for Amy.

"I know it hasn't been. And I know nothing about us has been fair to you either. I have no idea why you didn't just call it years ago –"

"Because I fucking love you, Karma. Jesus. If I could do _anything_ about that don't you think I would've?! You're right I should've called this years ago. All the shit you've put me through. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."

Amy rips herself away from where they're standing. Karma feels like complete shit. Maybe she is too late. Maybe she took too long. She finds Amy leaning back against the wall - literally as far away as she can get without leaving the room.

"You can't do what anymore?"

"I can't do this," Amy says pointing between them. "Us."

This time – Karma's entire world is collapsing in on her.

"No, no, no. This isn't how this was supposed to go."

"And how was this supposed to go? We'd just carry on like this for the next six years? The next sixty years? It had to end eventually… I'm just the only one with the balls to say something. I don't care that you broke up with Liam. It's not like there won't be another guy around the fucking corner."

"Please, just listen to me. Please." Tears round fourteen from Karma. She's resorted to begging. She'd get down on her knees if she thought it'd make a difference. They can't miss this opportunity. They _can't_. Karma just figured this whole thing out and _now_ is when Amy suddenly fucking decides to call it a day on her feelings?

She's so fucking frustrated with herself that she can't just hold it together to get through a fucking conversation. Her emotions always just end up overwhelming her and _this_ is how they've always presented themselves. Karma assumes Amy's probably used to her crying about legit _everything_.

"Why should I? I told you to fucking go to California, Karma. I… don't want you here anymore. This is too hard. We're fucking ruining each other."

It looked hard for Amy to say that to her. Karma knows she's probably been rehearsing that to make sure she could even get the words out. That _can't_ be how Amy really feels. Karma will not have it. The tables have kind of turned here and she's not about to lose Amy.

(The funny thing is the only person she'd be losing Amy to is herself. The irony is not lost on Karma).

"Go. Home. Karma."

Abso-fucking-lutely not, Karma thinks. This is going to go one of two ways for them. Karma decides it's most certainly going to go in her favor. Or she's at least going to go down swinging.

Karma breathes. She looks at Amy. Amy looks _small_ despite how brave she's trying to be. Karma feels kind of bad about this. It's going to be a cheap shortcut but Amy will _not_ listen.

Karma crosses the kitchen with some sort of newfound confidence that wasn't there before. She marches right into Amy's space and hears Amy's breath catch for just a second. Then, Karma kisses her the way Amy has deserved to be kissed all these years. She feels Amy make a really weak attempt to resist before she just lets go and kisses her back. It kind of takes both of their breath away.

Karma _needs_ her to know how she feels. If Amy isn't going to listen to her words then she's going to _feel_ it in her actions. She pushes Amy further backwards until the wall is basically all that's holding Amy upright. She thinks Amy is getting the point when she feels arms around her waist. It's that little bit of familiarity that lets Karma breathe a little easier.

So, Karma pulls back and Amy opens her eyes a second later. "Amy, I…" Jesus the amount of emotion Karma sees there is startling. "…this is real. We're real. I've been so _dumb_ and –"

She doesn't get to finish that sentence. Amy is kissing her again. And there's something there that wasn't there two minutes ago. It's definitely got more force behind it and Karma knows for sure now - Amy gets it. She also knows for sure that wherever this is going – Liam will never be an option again. Amy is always going to make her feel more.

And fuck it all feels good.

Amy has her up on the counter (away from the chicken and knives) within the next two minutes; Karma's struggling to keep up because she has no fucking idea when that even happened? Amy literally has turned her to mush. She doesn't have words for what's going on inside her head (or her heart).

Karma can tell (because she knows Amy) that Amy is trying really hard not to rush this. What Karma doesn't know for sure is if it's because Amy thinks it might not last or if it's because Amy has waited so long for there to be nothing holding them back. It's probably a little bit of both.

Amy's hands are trembling when she goes for the hem of Karma's shirt. Karma's almost worried Amy isn't going to be able to get through this without spontaneously combusting. She smiles and grabs Amy's wrists to stop her for a second. Amy looks terrified – like Karma's going to take back _everything_.

"Ames," she says to get her to focus, "Breathe. I'm right here. I'm _right_ here, okay?"

Karma takes her own shirt off. Amy's pupils are fucking blown. It's not like they haven't gotten this far before. But Karma's still pretty fucking flattered that Amy can still look at her like _that_ six years later. Or eight years later. Whatever.

She smirks because it doesn't look like Amy's going to be able to do any of this without her help. It makes Karma love her just that much more. This is probably what her first time should've actually been like. Instead of in that fucking creepy thunder box.

Hell, this is definitely what Amy's first time should've been like. Instead of awful revenge sex with a boy she could barely stand. Karma can't take any of that back – but she _can_ do her best to give Amy a first time with her that she'll remember.

So, Karma takes control and Amy looks about two seconds away from totally losing her shit about that. Amy actually looks like a kid thrown into a candy store who can't figure out where to even _start_. Karma is totally sure she told Amy to breathe but Amy looks like she's mostly still struggling to maintain composure.

"Hey," Amy's eyes flick up to meet Karma's when she hears her. "Let's go upstairs?"

* * *

Karma has Amy underneath her (finally) and down to her bra and underwear. For the record, Amy is still a shaking mess. She needs to figure out how to get Amy to calm the fuck down and be a participating member. She imagines that's going to be no easy feat. This is like everything Amy's ever wanted since they were fifteen – Karma would probably be short circuiting too.

So, Karma rolls off and to the side for a second. They're facing each other now so she can see what's going on with her best friend. Karma's still in her bra and jeans. Her lips are chapped from kissing Amy. She tried to slow things down a little bit to help. They've been kissing for at least the last forty five minutes.

"You okay, Amy?"

"I just… yeah. I'm trying to –"

"I'm not gonna leave," Karma says as she throws an arm over Amy's waist for reassurance. "Do you wanna do this? We don't have-"

"Yes."

Karma laughs. She can't help it. Amy's so fucking eager and smiling at her like she hung the fucking moon and stars. It used to feel like a lot of pressure, now it feels a lot like love.

"Okay. Then I need you to chill out," Karma says. "This is the first time. It is not the _last_. We're gonna do this and I'm still gonna be here after. It's just me, Ames. It's just us."

"Okay, yes."

Amy's pretty much been reduced to first grade sentences. Karma thinks she's so fucking cute… and pretty, and sexy, and a million other words she's finally letting herself think about Amy.

Karma reaches out and moves a strand of Amy's hair away and behind her ear – yeah, it's fucking cliché but Karma's always wanted to do it.

"You here with me now?"

Amy nods and _finally_ grabs for Karma. She puts her back on top. Karma feels _all_ of the feelings she's been ignoring. God. Amy overwhelms every fucking sense she has. What the fuck was she _ever_ doing with Liam? She doesn't think she'll ever get used to this.

And so they mutually pull at clothes and Amy kisses her in places Karma didn't even _know_ would feel good. Amy is experienced with this, but Karma is experienced with Amy. It's certainly not perfect, but it's so definitely _them._ Karma really couldn't wish for anything else.

Yeah, they bump heads a few times and Amy completely misses her lips and gets her _eye_ but they laugh and Karma's reminded all over again that she picked Amy. And god this no longer feels like her world's collapsing – this feels a lot like her world's just beginning.

And when Amy finally is the one to get her to the finish line (which happens embarrassingly quickly because holy _fuck_ Amy knows what's up) Karma sees fucking stars. And okay, it takes her a little longer to kind of figure shit out with Amy (she's never done this before but she picks it up quick and Amy helps her out a lot – which is ridiculously hot because Amy's so fucking sexy and this is a side of her Karma's never gotten to see).

But watching Amy fall apart in front of her (in the best way) is actually the biggest turn on Karma has ever experienced. So one time is totally not gonna cut it tonight. Not for either of them.

* * *

Karma is completely out of breath an hour later. She's on her back and Amy is on her side. Amy is playing with her fingers. Even that's a turn on now. Karma literally can't figure out why the fuck they didn't just do _that_ six years ago? It would've made her come to her fucking senses in a far less dramatic way.

"Holy fuck, Amy."

Amy chuckles. Karma turns her head to the right where Amy's face is and kisses her again. Amy looks so fucking happy it's making Karma's heart do back flips.

"Yeah. Ditto on that."

"Where did you – mm, you know what, nevermind. Don't wanna know."

"How bout we just pretend I was born fucking awesome at that?" Amy's grinning at her as she moves closer. Karma can get down with that. She never ever wants to hear about Amy with anyone else.

"Amy, you're fucking _amazing_ at that. I'm sorry if I wasn't –"

"Literally don't even finish that sentence, Karma. You were perfect. _This_ was perfect. And guess what?" Amy wiggles her eyebrows at Karma in the cutest fucking way, "It's only going to keep getting better."

"Oh yeah?" Karma knows Amy fucking loves when she teases her.

"Oh yeah. I'm going to make damn sure of it. Because this is my new favorite thing to do with you."

Amy moves quickly. Karma barely has time to blink before Amy is back on top of her. She's got a look in her eyes like she might just devour Karma. It makes Karma blush and sends a chill all through her. Amy's going to make her crazy.

"You're gonna wear me out, aren't you?"

"That's the plan, Karms. Listen, I've got six years to make up for," Amy kisses her quickly and with more passion than should exist in the span of five seconds. "I don't care how you got here or what made you come to your senses," Karma sticks her tongue out as Amy smirks, "but thank god you did, Karma, because Jesus I love you and I didn't really know how the fuck I was going to let you go."

Karma's pretty sure she's the one that's going to spontaneously combust this time. Of course Liam told her he loved her. And she always responded in kind.

But hearing those words come out of Amy's mouth feels nothing like that – it feels _so much better_.

"I love you too," Amy's face legitimately lights up. "And you can thank Reagan for me getting here actually. And, oddly enough, Liam a little bit too."

Amy takes a deep breath and sits back. She's straddling Karma's waist looking all sorts of confused.

"I'm sorry but what?"

"It was weird," Karma laughs knowing there's no good way to explain what the fuck went on in her day. "But I'm here right?"

Amy nods and leans back down putting her hands on either side of Karma's head. She kisses Karma again.

"It's nice," Amy says. "To be able to do that now. Whenever I want."

"So why'd you stop?" Amy kisses her and smiles into it – and that might be Karma's new favorite thing. Karma finally knows exactly what she feels and exactly what she wants – it's definitely always gonna be Amy.

And for Amy, getting to be here with Karma, just like this, certainly feels a lot like victory.


End file.
